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    10th December 2006 - 08:19:02 PM    
79248 : Jomby

    11th December 2006 - 12:10:26 AM    
79249 : Kurt Steinberg
arbys shitpipe, you raise good points. I totally forgot about the curly fries that Diamond almost certainly scrafs down at Arby's. Does anyone know if Belding used to make Diamond eat curly fries out of his asshole?

    11th December 2006 - 12:53:15 AM    
79250 : Big J
hey screech, you better hope I don't see you on the street motherfucker, i'm gonna drop a deuce in my hand and mash it into your stupid jew face. then ill smack you hard in the balls and wipe my ass with your hair.

    11th December 2006 - 03:35:43 AM    
79251 : gay man
Im so glad that im not the only one who wants to take a dump on screeech!

    11th December 2006 - 05:12:26 AM    
79252 :
I have problem with my husbund because he is jelouse

    11th December 2006 - 10:34:51 AM    
79253 : Karate Kid V: Screeching up Screechside High
SCREECH! Is it true that you will be starring in KARATE KID V: Screeching up Screechside High where you will play Screech LaRusso, half-brother of Daniel? Is it true that you will be taught "karate" by a dim-witted slack jawed yokel who will force you to do dehumanising and backbacking manual labour as well as forcing his inbred man milk down your throat and into your anus without your consent as part of the "secret" training system? Is it true that John Kreese will be back for a cameo with his drunk army buddies who will inlist you in America's latest quagmire; Iraq via a bizarre hozing scheme involving a pig and you, slipping your beef (penis) repeadely into it making it oink? Is it true that when you return to Screechside high you will take out Kreese and the yokel in a fight to the death?

    11th December 2006 - 02:29:01 PM    
79254 :
Be sure to leave comments here:

    12th December 2006 - 03:52:21 AM    
79255 : David Zucker
SCREECH! Tis I, David Zucker director of Scary Movie 4 and I want YOU, TV land's "Screech" to be in parody sequel Scary Movie 5, which I am going to title as "Screechside High" in your honor. Basically it's a parody of every drunk college/school movie/tv programme ever made set inside the old Saved by the Bell school and you play the crazy invalid who has recaptured the original cast of Saved by the Bell and put them into this make-shift prison, forcing the inmates to do pratfalls, horrible jokes and reinact key moments of Saved by the Bell episodes. Naturally there will be a shed load of in-jokes with Jessie saying "I'm so excited, I'm so excited. I'm so scared"... Leslie Nielson will play Mr Belding's alcholic Father, Mr "Belding Belding" who runs a Welding corporation "Belding & Belding Welding INC" who comes out of retirement to save the cast from your manical screeching and utterance of the words "ZOINKS!". Limp Bizkit's "Numb" will play the movie out too.

Call me if you are interested in this!

    12th December 2006 - 06:46:09 AM    
79256 : Mr Belding
I may only be a fictional character, but I hereby announce my divorce from "Screech".

    12th December 2006 - 07:39:49 AM    

    12th December 2006 - 10:55:31 AM    
79258 : Tori Fucking Wilson
Hi Screech. I'm WWE's botoxed slut in a bikini, Tori "Fucking" Wilson - you know - we have a lot in common... we're both always getting laid. By men! Anyway screechy-pie, VKM wanted to let you know that he still hungers for cock and wants to stroke your little cocky, and perhaps even swallow the cocky red head into his mouth and perhaps swallow some of that branded "cocky juice" straight from Screech's personal cock. And all this will be broadcast live on RAW! With JR (BA'W GAWD!) commenting with Jerry the Girl stealin' Lawler. And to top it all off, we're having John Cena vs KFED in a divorce cash settlement on a pole ladder match.

Are you feelin' me? Cause if you are, I'll break your god damn fingers you pervert! Now, call VKM and set up the date; JAN 1st: "NEW YEARS DAY"! DO IT NOW YOU BUM!

    12th December 2006 - 12:26:15 PM    
79259 : Andrew Bryniarski

    12th December 2006 - 12:33:04 PM    
79260 : Andrew Bryniarski


    12th December 2006 - 01:15:20 PM    
79261 : dick sucker
fuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick coksfuck my ass sick

    12th December 2006 - 02:34:26 PM    
79262 : KURT ANGLE

    12th December 2006 - 04:04:31 PM    
79263 : hater

    12th December 2006 - 04:26:03 PM    
79264 : Kurt Steinberg
Look at this video of Pauley Shore getting his ass kicked while performing his stand-up routine at a comedy club in Texas. He must have totally sucked or been extremely unfunny (very easy to believe), because the crowd was cheering about he was punched.

I'm shocked that someone has not yet done this to Diamond. I remember reading that someone hit Diamond in the face or on the head with a glass bottle when Salty the Pocketknife was performing, but as far as I know, he hasn't received a beating during his stand-up routine.

    12th December 2006 - 08:09:06 PM    
79265 : Rocco
Nice find Kurt, but when I watched it I felt like there was something staged about it. I googled Pauly Shore and lo and behold-

To bad it wasn't real. In fact to bad Diamond wasn't there with him, that huge Texan comes up and knocks them both out, flash to Belding and Slater laying down a couple of nice teabags!


    12th December 2006 - 11:26:03 PM    
79266 : Kurt Steinberg
Pauly Shore is almost as big of a loser as Diamond. He deserves this profile:

    13th December 2006 - 12:43:11 AM    
Getting it on with your horse
We assume that your horse is well trained and very gentle. Well trained, by any standard, means (among other things) that the horse will allow you, and hopefully his vet, to handle every part of his body without objection. By gentle we mean that he won't bite, kick, or strike inappropriately.

We are going to cover four reliable ways of bringing your mini stallion to orgasm. This is generally difficult to do (without mare scent) unless your horse has something to climb onto, and ideally this should be you. Thus each procedure involves a different way for him to mount. Even so he may require a good deal of warming up. At least until he has had several orgasms with you. I cover two methods of warm up in sordid detail because the details may be important. These methods are masturbation and fellatio. Which method you use will generally depend on your horse's preference. Once you and your horse have learned to come together, you may find that he needs little or no warm-up to get him in the mood to mount. And getting him to mount you several times, even though he evidences no sexual urge before mounting, should put him in the right frame of mind in short order.

Read your horse to determine that he is in a reasonably good frame of mind. If he is not, wait for another time. Lead your horse to the place (room, pen, stall, etc.) that you have selected to be your regular playspace. Remove his halter and give him a couple of minutes to acclimate to the setting, piss, take a dump, whatever.

Nuzzle and give him affection in your usual way. Give him a little standard brushing on the neck, then back, then rump. It may help to knead his flesh with the free hand. The shoulder is a good place. But he may find that too provocative. Once you have reached his rump with the brush, begin using the brush in long sensuous strokes that start near the croup and end near the point of the hock. He may find it provocative and try to give you a love nip. Or he may find it simply enchanting and relax. He may or may not let down his member in either case.
Some horses simply don't care for it, others love it. If he is fully withdrawn you may get him to drop his member by using one finger to lightly trace the opening cleft at the tip of his prepuce. (Make sure your hands aren't rough any time you are being intimate.) In general, the less erect he is, the more delicate your actions need to be. Thus some horses prefer to be 'started' with the tips of the fingers rather than with the whole hand. Slower rhythmic squeezing is generally preferred when he is extended but not erect. Once he is moderately erect you may find that slowly pulling back on the shaft near the head, so as to stretch tight the skin of the head, is effective. The rapid back-and-forth motions so effective on humans and dogs are usually not appreciated by horses. Once fully erect you may try to bring him to completion as described in the How To; Horses. This is harder to do without mare scent, especially if he can't climb up on something. Horses unable to orgasm on all fours by masturbation alone may sometimes be brought to completion on all fours by orally stimulating the first chakra while you masturbate them.
Blowing him up
For the stallion who has never made physical love with a person, fellatio may be the best introduction. But even that may take a number of attempts before he gets the idea. Sit or recline beside him and press your face gently into his flanks nuzzling through his fur. Exhale slowly against his flesh so that he can feel the warmth of your breath. Repeatedly run your hand down the back of a hind leg from croup to point of hock. Sometimes curling the fingers in so that the tips and nails are all that touch him will help arouse him. If he does not drop his member, use your finger as described in masturbation. Then return to stroking his legs. Nuzzle his flank and stroke his legs until he is well extended. If several attempts at this over several days gets no results then try sucking his teats before you begin this procedure.

Using the tips of your (warm) fingers gently lift the member to your lips and kiss and nibble on him. If this causes him to lose interest (it depends on the horse) then start over, and once he is again extended, grasp the shaft and take him strongly in your mouth and squeeze the shaft rhythmically. If he doesn't lose interest, kiss and nibble until he is at high excitement, and then take him strongly. The hand not around the shaft should go between his legs so that you can, with some pressure, stroke downward and massage the first chakra, or if he prefers, more gently massage his balls. This, reaching between his legs is possible only if he spreads them apart for you which they often will. Often he will find this activity exciting for only a limited time and will relax before too much is done. Once he relaxes press your face into his side and shoulder, breathing on him, talking to him, and rhythmically working your hands into his fur and flesh. (Note: I once had a Hackney stallion, too large to proceed as below, but who at this point, would often take me in his mouth and bring me to orgasm. He didn't suck, but worked me with his lips. He was probably one in a million. Don't try this at home.) Note that a small percentage of horses go absolutely wild when you take them by mouth, even the first time.

You may find it appropriate to repeat the procedure in the paragraph above several times. The objective here is to arouse him to the point of his wanting to mount you. If he has never mounted you, it may be necessary for you to get on your hands and knees and crawl under him. Push your head between his front legs and then rise up enough to take his weight on your back. If he is well trained there is only slight danger of a hoof smacked against your head, but you might consider some head gear during his training phase.

Take a break. Scratch him, kiss, share breath, etc. Sharing breath may be especially exciting to him if the smell of him is on your breath. Turn your bare back side to him. stand with your legs slightly apart and beg him to take you. A lot of stallions really like to be begged, and honest to god they can tell when you mean it. Bend over and back into him. Act provocative. Most likely he will mount without extending. But the act of mounting will put him in the mood. His hooves may be around your sides or he may, depending on your relative sizes, want to put them on either side of your neck. I have gotten a good whack to the side of the head by this on two occasions (very painful but no real damage), so be careful or wear head gear until you and he are adept at it. Once mounted he will likely press his teeth hard against your back, but if he is well trained he won't bite. What to do next depends on your mutual desires, his size, and your strength and gender.
Fellatio kneeling
You will need to be in good shape to accomplish this. And be sure that the horse does not weigh too much for you. His hooves will be passing in front of your face and over your head while he mounts. So some caution and possibly some head gear might be a good idea until both of you are practiced at this. Kneel in front of your horse and declare your desire for him. Yea, I know they don't understand the words, but they sure do get the tone of voice. Nuzzle and kiss his neck; kiss, nuzzle, and chew on his ears (an important erogenous zone) and whisper sweet nothings to him; etc. Provoke him into mounting you. Put your head between his front legs. Take some of his weight on your shoulders. If he doesn't then mount over your head, then, maintaining this position with one arm (this is part hardest on the back), use your free hand to 'chew' with your fingers down the back of his front leg to the fetlock. If this doesn't get him to mount, take a break. Try this again or something else.

Once he has mounted you over your head, he will be off center with your head to one side or the other of his body. You are in a position to take him in your mouth even if he is not extended by squeezing him out of the sheath. Stallions generally find it exciting to be on top, and taking him thus will generally cause him to extend with obvious pleasure and excitement, often punctuated by a delightful series of nickers and squeals. As he extends you will be able to adjust to a more upright kneeling position removing most of his weight from your back while he balances himself over your shoulder. Both of your hands will now be free and you will be able to grasp his shaft in one or both hands. His balls by this time should have retracted fully into the abdominal cavity. While grasping the shaft with one hand use the free hand to cup and massage the base of his member in the area of the now empty scrotum. As he becomes more excited the erectile tissue associated with the glans-penis will engorge. Depending on the particulars of your and his physiologies, you may or may not be able to complete the act. This entire procedure may also be accomplished by squatting and bending instead of kneeling. Or in a one legged kneel. Just use which ever is most comfortable for you.
Fellatio reclining
Get a bale of hay or some other appropriately-sized object and place it next to a post. A bale of hay may need to be placed on its thin side to be high enough. Lie on the bale with your legs around the post. (A cross-piece of some sort on the post at a height comfortable to your legs is generally necessary.) This can also be done on a couch quite effectively. Your neck should be at the edge of the bale or seat of the couch, so your head hangs down. The first few times you try this your horse may need some convincing to mount you thus. During this training phase leave his halter on him so you can tug him up to you until your face is pressed provocatively against his breast. (Once he gets the hang of it you won't need to use the halter.) Nip appreciatively at his breast to get him to mount. Or slap his breast lightly but provocatively. As he begins his mount, swoop your hands together between his front legs to protect your face and to spread his legs so that as he comes down, his front legs straddle you. The first few times he may try standing on your stomach so be prepared. I must have done this a thousand times in my life and only once have gotten a hoof in my face for it, and no real damage. Be careful though, you might not be so lucky. Once he is on top, his muzzle will be pressed into or close to your crotch, and his crotch will be in your face. My current horse prefers to mount withdrawn and be sucked to erection. How do I know he prefers this? By the singular and outrageous stream of nickers, squeals and sighs that often accompany his pelvic spasms during the process.

If he is too large for you to complete (you can't open wide enough), then you may want to try masturbating him from this position. To do this, start by helping him press his crotch in your face so that you can suck his scrotum. (If he is ready for this the testicles will be withdrawn.) This drives most horses really wild, and reaching forward and taking the front of his glans-penis in your hand while he thrusts should complete him in short order.

If you are not fairly robust, and if he relaxes on top of you, you might not be able to expand your lungs to breathe. Likely you may be able to prod him to take the weight off and keep it off. If not, prod hard enough to make him dismount and give up. Not much else needs to be said here except that the force and volume of ejaculation and you reclining position may pump you a snoot-full. Pre-rinsing your sinuses with a saline solution spray will help prevent sinus infections that may result if, like me, you do a lot of this.
Anal intercourse - front to back
Generally more than a little scuffling goes on when a horse mounts. If the horse's member is coated with lube, any loose material on the floor will stick to the member so its best to do either form of anal intercourse on a surface which is both clean and provides good traction. Again carpet is ideal.

After anal intercourse it is essential that you clean the horses glans penis thoroughly. Make sure your fingernails are trimmed very close. Wash the whole member with the hypo-allergenic glycerin soap. Once the lubricant is removed from the shaft you will be able to manipulate it. Now the important part, which is cleaning the glans which may have become fouled. Wash and dry your hands and put on a surgical rubber glove (to protect the horse). I use the hypo-allergenic glycerin soap for this also, but I know a vet that recommends Phisohex for this and that is probably the best advice. Holding the shaft just behind the head wash the head and then with a gloved finger carefully clean around the urethral protrusion. Rinse by gently flooding clean warm (not hot) water into cleft between the protrusion and the glans.

To do this safely requires the right horse-to-person size relationship. If he is too long and your legs are too short you may be in trouble. I often have to stand on my toes while he goes at it to keep him from going too deep. Don't try either form of anal intercourse described here unless your horse really cares about you, or at least knows enough to be careful when you express pain or discomfort. Because if he doesn't he may very well hurt you. As a warm-up, try standing, facing away from him and masturbating. You might do well to do this once a day for several days or weeks before proceeding down the slippery slope outlined below.

KY just doesn't cut it. I'm not into pain, and I find this painful unless done with J-Lube. It's a veterinarian's hand lubricant. You'll need lots, and thick as syrup. I like to mix up and have ready a half-cup or so at a time. I like to use empty "French's Mustard" squeeze bottles for this. Get it nice and warm and slather yourself up good, and using the handy tip on the bottle squirt some in. You can float the unused portion in a bucket of hot water to keep it warm. Take time to do a few stretching exercises--the traditional cucumber works well for this. It makes entry more fun. Present yourself to your horse. Bend over, and if you have to, beg for it. Again, many stallions really like being begged and some won't turn on to you until you do. Backing into him also helps. It may take a while to get him erect and excited enough to mount you. It depends a lot on the horse and his moods. You will soon learn to judge when he is close to being ready. At that time take a good glob of lube in one hand, and when he does mount, grasp the tip of his member and slide your hand down the shaft. Make sure you coat the tip thickly. The gooey-stringy-slippery lube will coat the member, helping to keep it clean and reducing the likelihood that your horse will get an infection from you. (You did remember to dump, didn't you?) Straighten up substantially, grasp his shaft very firmly and press him into yourself. (If you just let him jab it in with un-moderated thrusts, lube or no lube, it hurts.) If you don't straighten up he's likely to rupture you. The first time my current horse entered me he gave a gasp of pleasure and surprise that I remember as one of the high-points of my life. You may need to reach behind and grasp and squeeze his shaft to bring him to completion. If you want him to work you over repeatedly then don't grab him. Once he has learned that he can complete with you he will likely mount and work you repeatedly until he does.
Some notes
Once you get good and sweaty it may excite him to put his nose in your arm pit from behind.

While he is standing behind you and thinking about mounting you he will nuzzle, nudge, and nip you from heels to buns. You should tolerate and even encourage this just short of leaving bruises. My horse often gets into a nipping frenzy just before mounting. I let him nip at the skin on my elbows at this time because it takes the abuse substantially better than anywhere else.

You must have hold of one of his front legs as you straighten up or he may fall over on his back and be reluctant mount you again. His glans-penis will engorge after he enters you and you will be locked together until he is done. If you let him fall off during this phase you will both experience such excruciating pain when the glans pops that it may be years before either of you are willing to try again. So do hold on to that sweet little foot of his. Once he is spent or done, bend forward and let go of the leg. He may want to hang there for a minute or two before he dismounts.
Anal intercourse - face to face
See the section on front to back for relevant preliminaries. It has never happened to me but there is a good chance of getting a hoof in the face with this, so wear head gear at least until the two of you have some facility with this. Also you will need to wear steel-toed boots. And you will need a bale of hay wrapped in a blanket, or something similar in size and shape to that. A raw bale just won't do. The hay will stick to him and then be shoved into you. You won't like it, trust me. Put the bale up against something so that it can't be shoved around. I have had some difficulty in convincing horses to try mounting me face to face the first couple of times. You may need to tease him extensively to get your horse to try it.

I generally induce him to mount front-to-back several times without intromission and then lube him up good when he is excited and near ready to mount again. Sit on the bale facing your horse. Provocatively slap at his chest with the back of your hand. As he begins to mount, grab his front legs and help him position them safely. Then free one hand and use it to help him find his way home. You MUST catch the inside of his thighs with your knees because he is very likely about to screw the daylights out of you. If just one of those slams isn't caught by your knees you might get a ruptured colon. Again, once spent, he may want to lie limp on you in indubitable horsy bliss for a minute or two before he dismounts, and by all means if you can breathe with his weight on you, let him do so.

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